Thursday, November 27, 2014

Arrows and Messages

Years ago I was part of a group that did "The Sacred Romance".  I loved it. It was a breath of fresh air that I needed right back then.

One of the chapters was called "Arrows & Messages", I didn't really resonate with this chapter because nothing came to mind that had affected me.

Here is a small portion of what this was about:

"The Message of the Arrows:-
There are only two things that pierce the human heart.  One is beauty.  The other is affliction.  Arrows have struck us all.  However they come to us, whether through a loss we experience as abandonment or some deep violation we feel as abuse, their message is always the same: Kill your heart.  Think of how you've handled the affliction that has pierced your own heart.  How did the Arrows come to you?  Where did they land?  Are they still there?  What have you done as a result?" 

At the time, (and up until very recently) I still believed that there was no "hidden arrow" that carried a message lodged in my heart.

When I was in school, I hated Maths, I couldn't do it. It didn't make sense to me - It still doesn't!  However, in Std 4 & 5, I had a Maths teacher who delighted in making me get up in front of the class, and work out a problem on the board, he would offer no help, no suggestions, and either stare at me like I was a fool, or hit me with the big wooden compass used for geometry.  I dreaded Maths every day. Every day I felt stupid and humiliated.

Recently I was asked a question (not because the person didn't know the answer, but wondered if I did), but I didn't know the answer. I felt like I should know it, like I had known it once - but it just wasn't there. There were no hints or clues given, the person just looked at me with what I felt to be mild amusement. Usually, I would just have said "Hey, I don't know, tell me!", but there was something about those 15-20 long seconds, the silence, the waiting for me to answer, that just whisked me right back to Maths class, feeling humiliated in front of everyone, and suddenly I reacted.  I know my reaction was out of character for me. It surprised me and horrified me. So I guess there was an "Arrow" tucked away deeply with the message that says"You're stupid."

It was painful to recognise, but it pains me more that I hurt someone with my little outburst. On the flip side, God showed me why I reacted that way (which was kind of Him!) and now I can face it for the lie it is, and move on.

  The Maths teacher was an @$$ though. 
The person isn't. 

PS: I did apologise. Just FYI.

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  1. These 'triggers' are out there. They lie in wait for us, suddenly emerging when least expected.
    Then we kneejerk react to them.
    It is good that you could make the connection. It is good that you could make right with your friend. I hope she reads this.
    Your teacher was a complete turd.
    And you are one of the smartest people I know.
    Just saying.

  2. Amazing how an event can trigger emotions and memories that we think has been long forgotten. I remember your Mom blogging about this years ago.


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