An Early New Years Resolution.

I made my New Years resolution early. Like now, in October. I don't usually make resolutions, because nothing makes one feel more of a failure, than not keeping them for even a day, week or month!  However, I am resolute about keeping this.

About a month ago, after I had been to Adem for advice and back to the Ministry to ask if being here 5 years would make it easier for me to work, and after they gave me the same forms and same story, I went for a walk in the forest with Jack as I normally do. I felt deflated (again), I don't really know why, since I had expected it.

Suddenly as I was walking along, without warning, I just had this mini meltdown. I just began to cry - out of nowhere, like really sob. I felt like I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was about to pass out. I have only experienced this once before in my life and it was at a time that I was severely stressed out then. I didn't think I was stressed out now though.

I remembered an article about finding things to touch, and smell and see and listen to, so I did that, and attempted to focus all my energy on not falling apart.

After what felt like an eternity, but was probably only a few minutes, I continued my walk and just cried out to God that something had to change. As I walked it became clear that there was only one real option left: I will have to apply for my citizenship here. That is the only way.

I will never give up my SA citizenship, so it will be dual. However, to do this I have to be able to take what is called the "Sproochentest" - which is the ability to speak, read and write in Luxembourgish up to a certain level.

I have been so focussed on feeling more confident in trying and making mistakes in French, and now to basically start over in another language,  feels like a mountain to me. But hey, it's winter, so I may as well begin the climb. Everything starts with small steps. I have an appointment in Nov to start at the Language school and have signed up for an online course too, with podcasts, notes and a tutor if needed. (I did a few classes at our Commune last winter, but honestly not enough to be of any benefit in this quest!)

I heard a quote from John Cena's book "Elbow Grease" which goes: "If you stick with what you are good at, you will never learn anything."  I am pretty good at puzzles in winter - so this winter, I will learn something new - LËTZEBUERGESCH.

So right now,  I am off to my favourite coffee shop, laptop and materials in hand, where I plan to bury myself for a few hours.

.

If you are the praying type, remember me - I will also take thoughts, vibes and smoke signals. 

Thank you.

The resolution is to take the test by the end of April 2019.

PS. I know you are probably all sick to death of me moaning about not being able to work, but in spite of what it may look like, I am not on holiday here.  This is my life that I am living, and in my life, I have always worked because I love it. 

Having a day.

I was just sitting here, innocently doing my puzzle, listening to Magic 828 radio online, and out of the blue suddenly I had this thought:-  "What am I doing here?"

Maybe it was brought on by the Saffer accent of the Radio station, maybe by the family thread on Whatsapp chatting, maybe it was waving at the plane overhead believing it may be my niece who is arriving on the Continent as I type....  maybe even that we won't be home to stand arm in arm as we sing our anthem against the All Blacks on Saturday....I don't know what brought it on. I do know that being here was (and is) a divine kindness to us to fulfill a dream of living in Europe for a while so that we could experience other cultures and travel. - and it's such an amazing experience.

But between travelling and visits, I add no value here  (other than being a wife!) I do nothing but keep myself entertained. I could be at home, with My Girl and my family, instead of sitting here waiting for the next holiday or visitor.

Again - must stress that I am not unhappy. Just purposeless.

I fear this may lead to being unhappy sometime.