Warning: Vulnerability ahead.
Today, I had to stop midway through my run to accommodate an unexpected meltdown.I couldn't breathe. I was suddenly just so sad and so angry. I remembered reading that I should find things of different textures / colours / shapes. Try to distract myself from my thoughts.
I got off the path, sat on a log and just cried.
Angry at having online conversations instead of in real life conversations,
Angry with always being at home
Angry at having no family near me
Angry at not knowing when I will see my family
Angry at not knowing where this all ends
Angry at feeling so out of control
Angry at the forest, because I wanted the sea
Angry at myself for feeling angry.
And when the anger subsided, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. It all came out in a wave. Sometimes, it feels too much.
I feel as though I am in a kids playpen: nowhere to go, nothing new to see and no way to get out.
Trapped. Trapped and slowly starving.
I just wanted to go home, to where I could pop to the beach, drive a few hours to mountains, drive a few more to wildlife....so many places to see and yet never leave the country. The world in one country.
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| Charlie Mackesy |
Some days I just have to admit that I'm not doing OK. Like in my last post, (and admittedly that is just as relevant even though it was written months ago). Other days I feel like I am totally handling.
Life is not always a walk in the forest, it's not always hedgehog houses and Jerusalema dancing. It's important to acknowledge that days can be tough too.
Today, I am not handling. And that is OK. I will make some tea, a hot water bottle, and read my book.
Tomorrow is a new day to be OK.
