Oh! How things change...

(Boring but random lockdown notes ...)

Me at Day 1 / Week 1 of Lockdown: "I am going to use Flylady. Everyday do something in my home to spring clean it. 

• Monday: (Kitchen / Bathroom 1):     Unpack kitchen cupboards, clean shelves, repack.   /  Sort bathroom cupboard
• Tuesday: (Kitchen /Bathroom 1)     Wipe down kitchen cupboards   / Wipe down tiles in bathrooms
• Wednesday: (Kitchen / Entrance)    Clean stove / oven and backsplash /clean extractor filters  /Clean window in entry.
• Thursday: (Kitchen / Lounge)         Clean kitchen floor. / vaccuum / Mr Min furniture
• Friday: (Kitchen / Lounge)              Wipe down door frames / Lounge windows".

What actually happened in Week 1 - Hmmm. I think I did wipe down the cupboards. Can't really remember. That was, after all, five plus weeks ago (or is it six? I've lost track).  I have done two or three of those things in the last 6 weeks, but certainly not in week 1, where it was intended.

All those wild fantasies I had: finish knitting that baby jersey for my friend... (who would by now have outgrown it!), putting up those hems, sewing on those missing buttons, doing more Luxembourgish grammar classes, the list really is endless, and none of them happened.

I have long since given up feeling guilty about doing very little.  Although, to be completely honest, I don't think I ever felt guilty...

I walked into our lounge this morning, and realised we basically live on that one floor. I have moved the ironing board in there, there is ironing on my couch waiting for me. The outside table has been brought inside (until we can put fresh stain on it), and that has my laptop on it, my TEFL work, 3 bottles of bubbles, (I do love blowing bubbles), a yo-yo, my camera, a colouring-in book and other bits 'n pieces. The bird food is in there, sewing kits, dogs, husband, puzzles, crafty things (that I planned to do, and have not done), books to read (that I planned to read, but have not gotten to yet).....  all this to say that basically in spite of my best attempts to clean up and do stuff - we've moved into a room which looks like a war zone and accomplished very little. I don't care. I don't feel guilty. 

In fact, I quite like not caring!

Annnyyyywayyyy.... I do need to finish my final TEFL assignment - so let me stop waffling about how pottering fills my days and get on with something meaningful.

Stay safe and stay home.

#Lockdown2020

Yesterday = Rubbish Day

Yesterday was not a good day.
I cried a lot.

I had felt very together up until yesterday. Maybe because I am often at home anyway, it didn't feel that different.
Then the reality of everything coming to the end of Week 2, just seem to hit me.  After so long, I had expected the numbers to start coming down, but we have not peaked yet. SA, don't be tempted to think that change will happen overnight, or that lockdown is not working - it takes a while, be patient and stay home.  I read an article about the emotions we are feeling, and how they are similar to the stages of grief. I realised I had hit the "Acceptance" stage for us here, but I was nowhere near there for home yet.  My emotions see-sawed all day, one moment I was fine, the next I cried and went to sleep, and woke up crying, then I was fine, and then I cried again.

At first I wanted to get angry with myself for being so emotional, but I realise that it is OK, we cannot push such an emotional situation down and expect to feel nothing. So I will cry when I want to, but I will also try to stay off the constant stream of information, and look for the positive to balance it with.

For now I think I will have to find a routine, which I famously never have. However, it may turn out to be a saving grace. I will get up with My Man in the morning. I will get dressed. That sounds odd, I know, but walking around in my onesie or PJs, feels wonderful on most days, but it feels defeatist to me now.  I will do at least 30 min of exercise a day, whether it's a run or a workout, it doesn't matter, and then I will make a list of tasks that I can do each day.  For this I happily will use Flylady to make sure lots gets done!

I need to do this to make sure that I don't dwell on what's happening, and become more anxious than I already am. I can't deal with all the "What-ifs", it's too much. I need to learn to focus on today. Not being bored today. Keeping busy today. Being grateful for the safety of home. I am not stuck at home, I am safe at home. Others are safe because we are all at home.

I know that none of this is from God, and I get acid when I see people infer that this is some "act of God". Nothing evil originates from Him. Sh!t happens in life, it is just like that. I know that He is in this with us, feeling our sorrow and despair, and I know that this is a time we can choose to blame Him or cling to Him. I choose to cling. Always.

I wish I could go home.  The irony is that we always said that when we want to go home, we will just go.
But we literally can't.
So we just have to make peace with that for now.

Stay safe lovely people, and stay home.

A bit about me & my "Defining Day."

Do you feel like you have a day that may have been really significant in some way? A day that stands out for whatever reason. I have so many incredible memories, but none that I would consider more "defining" than this one day.

I don't like calling myself a Christian. I'll just put that out there from the beginning. It's such a loaded word -with all kinds of judgmental baggage attached to it.

I prefer to say that I follow Christ, because he is the opposite of judgmental. He made people think out of the box, he mixed with people that were sometimes (at that time) questionable, and he loathed the self righteous.  No-one was excluded, his loved extended to all. He is a compassionate revolutionary. This is the Jesus I love.

This is my story of how I met him.

Have you ever just gotten comfortable, falling asleep, and then you hear the zzzzzz – of a mosquito (aka: a mozzie)! You flail your arms around wildly hoping that it will become distracted because you can’t be bothered to turn the light on and deal with it?  As I look back on the journey that is my life I will share with you my ‘mozzie moments.’ Moments that God intervened, uninvited into my world, until one day, I chose to turn on the light and deal with Him.

My parents, neither of them believers, divorced when I was about 7. My mom got into exploring Eastern philosophies on a quest for truth. However, every now and again she would encourage us to go to Sunday School.  It was as though she knew deep down that that was the ‘right’ thing to do. The first experience of church I remember was when I was about 9. I used to go with a friend to a youth group every now and again.  I remember specifically one day they had a quiz and the question was ‘What are the first 3 words in the Bible?’ and I knew what they were… to this day I don’t know how I knew them. This group was my first encounter with Jesus. I do believe that during that time, in a way that can only be true for a child, I decided that Jesus was ‘an OK guy!’

Fast Forward to 1983. Early 1983 we moved house. I was really happy where we were living, and didn’t want to leave my friends, and my boyfriend, who I adored, but work transferred us and we had to go.  I did not take the move well. I became rebellious, I was not pleasant to have around, and I know that during that time, I'm ashamed to say that I hurt a lot of people that I loved dearly. I was not myself, and I wish I could find them all and apologise.  Anyway, it was decided that I was getting a bit out of control so I was put into boarding school. I remember it with mixed feelings but the most significant event in my life was to happen there.  

It was then that a Youth for Christ group came to town. My friend and I, who had nothing better to do at the time, decided that we would go! I cannot remember what their presentation was about, but what I do remember is that I heard three things by the end of it:

• God knows me,
• God loves me, and
• I could really know God too.

 I must say that even at my most rebellious, it never felt like that was really me. I had always had a ‘spiritual awareness’: There was never a time that I didn’t believe in God, or in Jesus -  But I never made any conscious choice to pursue Him. In hindsight, it became clear that all through the years he had reminded me that He did in fact know me.  Moments where he zzzz around and made His presence known, (these I call His uninvited mozzie moments!) but I either brushed Him off - or at best, discussed Him.

Mozzie moment 1: This is my first Bible.  This I got in 1978.  What made my mom give my brother and I a Bible each, is a mystery. I even remember where we first started reading. We read John. No-one told us to read John. We just did. God knew me at 11 reading An Authorized King James’ Version of John. (That is old English…. but we read it). 

Mozzie moment 2:  I slept over at a friends house one Saturday evening and the following day I went to Church with them. There was communion, and I remember my friend saying to me that I couldn’t go up for communion because it was only for Christians. But I remember feeling a bit bewildered being the only kid left in the pew while everyone else went up… but it was another reminder, another nudge, another zzzz in my ear. 

Mozzie moment 3:  When I was in Std. 5 (about 12 yrs old), my brother and I had a debate about whether to raise your arms or kneel before God if you are praying.  Where did this conversation come from? I still do not know. We were completely un-churched and the usual idea of prayer is quietly folded hands….

Mozzie moment 4:  When I was in Std.7 I received a chain letter. Those things that say if you don’t send it out to however many people, by whatever time, something dreadful would happen to you.  The first person I thought to ask what to do with this letter was the minister at the little church where we lived. Somehow I knew that He would have the right answer. Indirectly then, I think, I was trusting God for the answer. Because He was Gods spokesperson.

Mozzie moment 5: Then in about Std. 7 or 8 (approx 15 yrs old), a guy came to our school and gave out Gideons Bibles and did a talk. He asked what the most important verse was in the Bible. I knew that. John 3:16. I told my friend the answer, but honestly cannot tell you where I heard it, or how I knew it. But I did. I had that Bible right up to Matric (last school year),  I carried it in my blazer pocket, I still have it, and it is interesting to see the things that I wrote in it and what I underlined.

Mozzie moment 6: I used to go horse riding often, it was the one thing that I loved to do more than anything else in the world.  One day, when I was in Std. 9, I had gone riding with friends. We would often ride down to the beach. This one day in particular, I arrived a bit ahead of the group and as I arrived I stopped on a dune overlooking the beach. The sea was blue and clear like the sky, the sand and dunes looked whiter than white, the breeze was blowing. I suppose that it looked the same as every other day that I had been in that spot, but somehow, that day it was just seemed more perfect.  I remember feeling that I didn’t want to break that moment by breathing or blinking.  I had such an overwhelming feeling of beauty and absolute contentment, and remember thinking that if I died right then, then this must be what heaven is like…. It was a moment that I have never forgotten.

It was soon after that moment on horseback, that Youth for Christ arrived.  

As I sat there, in that YFC gathering, it became very clear to me that YES!  God does know me. He really does and he had throughout my life been pursuing me relentlessly, giving me moments to recognise him,  zzzzz-ing in my ear: Lisa, here I am, I know you, I love you, and I would love you to know me too.

That day, it was the big day, it was the day I said “Yes, I do want to know you too”.

The day that separates who I was, to who I am: not perfect in any way, but perfectly and divinely loved in spite of my imperfections.

That was my defining day …

Maybe you have had some “mozzie moments” too, and not even been aware.

* * * * * 

Below are two links sharing some of our continued journey....

The Forest is my Church

How do we look? Me and you.

My happiest place.

A Laugh at my Expense

As most of my friends know, I have signed up to participate in the Vitality Running World Cup 2020.

So I linked my Tracker to their Vitality App, and was a bit concerned when my runs, usually between 4-6km, starting reflecting times of around 10 minutes.

This had been happening with all of my runs, so I emailed them, and they replied that they were looking into it, and would let me know.




Yesterday, I noticed that my run was still showing the incorrect time, so I sent them another email....

I confess to feeling a bit deflated, because.... WHY was this happening??   Later yesterday afternoon, I got this reply from them...

Of course, I felt like such a pawpaw - I had a good laugh at myself - and replied to them.  I hope I gave them a bit of a laugh too.






So, if you haven't already signed up - do it now - and don't make the same mistake as I did!
Have fun.

Cool Runnings - Peace be the Journey.

MIKA - AT LAST!

Anticipation
counting down months
weeks
days
hours.

Look at my calendar
Is it time yet?

It's here!
The moment, the hour, the day.

Comfortable shoes.
That's what's needed.
Nothing else matters.
Don't miss the bus.
Don't miss the train.
Don't forget to breathe.

A small drink
Some excited dinner chatter
Look at my watch
Is it time yet?

Long queues,
Languages I can't understand
I don't mind.
It's today.
It's finally here.
I look at my watch
How much longer?

Squeezing in,
bags are searched,
get another drink,
find a spot,
wait through the opening act.
Look at my watch
Is it time yet?

Hugged by crowds
shrugged by crowds
jumping, dancing, singing, laughing,
feeling fully alive,
feeling properly happy.

Afternoon blues
It came. It went. All in a flash.
On a high all day.
Hit the ground with a thud.
When last did I feel so "properly alive"?

"I'm content" I always say.

Content.
It's a safe place.
Not unhappy.
Not fully happy.
Just satisfied.
Content.

I look at my calendar....
when will I feel "properly alive" again?

* * * *

Rain

Looking out of the window onto the forest this morning, I saw flexing trees, sheets of rain almost whiting out my forest view, and I heard the thunder booming out.

I know that the next time I go for a walk, some trees will be uprooted, while others may show few signs of the hardship they just endured.

It made me think of life in general. Storms in life come and go. Sometimes the thundering voices around us yell that we are not good enough, successful enough, busy enough. Sometimes the wind of "doing" pushes us so hard to be productive, that it can feel as though we are flexed to breaking point. We continue with rain dampened spirits and cold numbing out any feeling. How we fare in these storms relies on the strength of that which anchors us.

While I was thinking about all of this, I remembered this clip I saw years ago, and I know for me, this was a reminder of how loved I am, and that I am well anchored in certainty.

Anchor yourself to the immovable that will keep you during the storm.
Hold on tight, and know how loved you are.

I cannot wait for my next forest walk.

......

Peace be the journey.

Huge highs and a sudden low.

The last few weeks have been a blur, all I have thought about is rugby.  I haven't even looked to see what cricket is on!

The initial blow of losing to the Kiwis in the opening game, was a harsh blow, especially considering that I think we could have won it, had it not been for our "favourite" ref presiding over that game.

However, as Madiba said, we as a nation, should be judged by how often we get back up, rather than our successes, and get back up we did. We just never give up. We as a nation, are a bit like Faf - we are tenacious and brave, we don't submit to bullies and we give it horns!  AND we do it with smiles on our faces.

I feel like I have to write this now to "debrief" after all the emotions of the last few days. 

We made arrangements to watch the game at a really cool sports bar in Luxembourg City. We had watched the last two games there, and I reckon they knew us by then.

In typical South African style, I was amped and prepared. I made my banner, I made and printed out some Good Luck stickers, that I stuck onto little chocolates that I bought, to give out to supporters of both sides, I had my flags, shirts, socks, my face paints, I even took my bluetooth speaker so I could pump out IMPI as our boys walked onto the pitch - and, I KNEW THEY WOULD WIN, so I already had Shosholoza all lined up to play loudly at the end. I have never been so ready to be a champion! :)

I was fully prepared to be outnumbered by English supporters, and I was happy because we all love watching with the opposition, it just adds so much of a vibe. I had visions of the place decked out in English flags, but not one was to be found. Not even painted on a face! I thought that was so weird! 

A lot of interesting facts came out about this RWC final, and I am going to place them here, although they have been shared a gazillion times online, but this way I have a record.

• 32 points is the most SA ever scored in a Final.
• The Bokke win margin of 20 pts is the 2nd biggest in World Cup history.
• Chester Williams and James Small, the Bokke who wore the 11 and 14 jerseys in the 1995 World Cup Final, both passed away in 2019. Our two tries scored in the 2019 Final came from Bok jerseys 11 and 14.
• Today was also the first time the Bokke scored tries in a Final.
• The Bokke are the only team in history to never concede a try in the Final.
• The Bokke are the only team in the world who have never lost in a World Cup final.
• The Bokke are also the first team in history to win the World Cup after losing their first World Cup opening pool game.
• The Bokke became the first team in history to win the Rugby Championship (old Tri Nations) and the World Cup in one year.
• The Bokke have won 3 World Cups in 7 tournaments. (New Zealand could only win 3 World Cups in 9 tournaments).
• Frans Steyn became only the second Springbok player in history to win 2 World Cup medals.
• Handre Pollards 20 points today is the most points ever scored by a South African in a Final.
• Siya Kolisi is the first black Captain of the Springboks. His full name, Siyamthanda, means “We love him” (and love him, we do!) and it was his 50th cap for the Bokke.

Aannnyyywaayyy - we arrived there and "decorated" our corner with SA flags and banners, chatted to people as they came in, probably just annoyed people in general, you know what we're like, talking to random strangers is easy - especially in a sporting environment. Suddenly we spotted another couple come in in BOK shirts. I just rushed over and hugged them! They hadn't booked and it was full, we had 2 seats that were not being used, so I invited them to sit with us, and it was good to have some back up of our own mense (considering we were also sharing the table with an Englishman!) 

As the guys started coming out, I blared my IMPI out, but ai foeitog, my speaker was only heard by about 2 tables, and so it did not have the impact of Johnny Clegg, but jirre, I tried. I was going to attempt to sing REALLY loudly myself... but realised that without significant Saffer support, I would just look like a crazy person, which technically I don't mind (as you know) but I didn't want to be thrown out and then miss the game. So I decided to just conform to the norm. 

Then the anthems. You have to stand people. It's your anthem! Sang my little heart out, tried verrrry hard not to cry - and then, I think I stopped breathing for 80 minutes.  

Those of you who had stuff to say about Fafs kicking and Willies catching - I hope you have grovelled your repenting hearts out. We TOLD you there was a plan people!!  You mos know Rassie - the man with a plan.  (I said that in an Afrikaans accent - can you hear it?!) 

 I had been screaming every time the ball got anywhere near Cheslin - "GET IT TO CHESLIN!!!!!!!!!!   At one point, I thought I may lose my voice!  I was so desperate for the loo, (I had a beer with breakfast - holly ha) but I thought I cannot go, because if I go, there will be a try and I will miss it.  Eventually, I had to go, and blow me down with a feather, if I did not hear screaming the minute I closed the booths door. I just thought "Dammit Donner, that's so loud the flipping English have scored."  I opened the door, and a lady said "You scored!" Freaking heck, for the handful of Saffers there, we made a lot of noise. AND I MISSED CHESLINS TRY!!!  I MISSED IT AND HAD TO WATCH THE REPLAY.  I did consider just going to sit in the loo for the last few minutes, because maybe they would score again, but I didn't. Obviously.  I was too excited.

That 2nd half, it was all us. They didn't stand a chance. It was such a moment - I don't know if I teared up only because we won, or also because if I could have transported my whole self to Cape Town at that moment, I would have, just to be there for the celebrations. I have realised that we really KNOW HOW to celebrate.

I tried to play Shosholoza - but again, speaker too soft and not enough Saffers to make it happen. Within about 15 minutes the bar had pretty much emptied, except for a handful of English who were just waiting for the next soccer game, and some Saffers. I think that was also a shock to us. At home, we would watch with the opposition, and then hang out together, win or lose, laughing or crying, we would braai and make it a day to remember. It's the FINAL. So My Man and I had a beer, a couple of people popped over so we could all have photos taken together - another Saffer, one Englishman, and the manager of the place.  But the place was basically empty.

Then we left. That is really when I wanted to find an alleyway and just tjunk my heart out. I was waving my flag, it was a Saturday morning, the markets were on, the squares were full - and no-one knew what just happened. I was just some woman carrying an unknown flag. Nothing was different.  Yet, for us - EVERYTHING was different. It was such a let down leaving the pub. It made the whole morning feel like a dream, and now you've awoken and it never happened. Stuff it, I still carried my flag, and I held it out of the car window all the way home, and put it outside our house for the night. 

Sure, there has to be a winner and a loser. England thought they had it in the bag, because, to be fair, they had a damn good series, all the wins... their one mistake was underestimating us. Never listen to the stats. The united force of a whole nation behind a team doesn't adhere to stats.

On top of that excitement - Our Coach won Coach of the Year, Pieter Steph du Toit won Player of the Year and the Bokke won Team of the Year and the whole darn thing. This is how we celebrate at home. Bokke, you biscuits - we love you!

.