Hope Deferred

I just need to write today. It probably won't make sense, but I need to just get it out.

Just been feeling flat. It's been a really tough few weeks. Usually it passes, but it's moved to a feeling of emotional drain & mental fatigue which has to do with a few things, obviously all based on the Covid season we find ourselves in.  Everyone is feeling some form of anxiety from it.

• I miss my family.  I know I live far away and should be used to not seeing them. Even if I was there, I wouldn't see them anyway right now.  I know that if I went past my parents house, and could only wave, it may be even worse, so close and yet so far....but if I was there,  somehow knowing we are, at least, in the same country I would feel better.  When people at home say they miss family, I totally get that, but I try not to dwell there because they can actually get to their family if they chose to, I can't make that choice. That is what is so hard, so I cannot keep rehashing the "friends and family" regulation conversation, because every time it reminds me that I don't even have a choice to drive to them and wave over the wall. At least I am used to talking to them using Tech, but I always thought that we could go home whenever we wanted to, but now it is actually physically impossible to get there. When will flights be normal again? Usually I have a date that we fly there, and I have this in mind, it is something to look forward to, but I don't have that now. When will I see them again?  I don't know.  

• I miss my country. In spite of the rubbish. I think also that when I try to speak to people there, and convey that we are going through similar things here, trying to find a commonality with them, to feel like we are going through things together, I often get told that I don't know whats going on, because I don't live there. It makes me feel like an outsider when all I want to do is feel like we are in it together, like I still belong there. We have not emigrated. I haven't stopped caring about home like a lot of Saffers do, they move because they are p'd off with SA; that is not us. We follow the news, we know what is happening, but I cannot even communicate that because when I try to feel part of it by sharing a common experience, or sharing what is happening here for us, no one cares, they only care about SA, because that is where they are. They live in one country, but I live in two. Somehow this makes me feel as though they don't care about us either.  There have been a lot of conversations where my thoughts are dismissed as uninformed, or even unnecessary.  I feel as though I am doing this on my own now, and alone. I don't want to engage in anymore conversations, because the wound is freshly reopened with every one, and with every one I feel further from home, when it's the only place I want to be.  Sometimes I find myself wondering if we shouldn't just stay here... who would've thought that it may be the attitude of my people that would make me consider this huge step.

• I feel so disheartened. A month or so ago, we were reporting only single digit cases, it was exciting to think that our lockdown, and being home all that time, had paid off and we may be able to get out again.  Then schools went back, youngsters began partying in big groups and now we are back to 100s of cases each day, and it appears that no restrictions are going to be put into place again. I feel as though I have spent all this time at home for nothing now... I have to start all over again, trying to keep safe so I can one day go home and see my family, while others feel its absolutely fine to go out and party, because they are young and selfish.

• I feel very isolated and a bit lonely now.  I am not taking public transport at the moment which means I am home. All the time. This last week I have gone to bed in tears, and woken up basically in tears, because I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. There is only so much you can run, or read. I just am sick of my days. Then I read about what is happening in South America and India, and loads of other poorer countries, and I give myself a slap, and feel so ashamed of my attitude, because what is boredom compared to what they are going through?  What is anything really, compared to what they are going through? I always "hate" when people say they are bored, but I have puzzled, and baked, and coloured in, and gardened and knitted... but none of these replace getting out of the house.  I just.. I just feel....  I don't know. Finished?

I don't want to feel sorry for myself because I know that I am not alone in this. Really I feel more sad than sorry. I am reminded of Prov 13:12:  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..."  and my heart feels sick.   

Yes, that's how I feel. My heart feels sick.