Seasons, Forest, Sanity and (kind of) Poetry! :)

A few days ago I was chatting with some friends on WA. We are all in different countries from one another and we happened to just pick up on restrictions and things opening up. I had said that I am so looking forward to seeing all my friends again, since I have only seen one friend, perhaps twice a month, since March last year. (I made a conscious decision from the start to avoid any contact with schools, and she has no children.) Thank God she is as much of a hiking fanatic as I am!

One of my friends asked me how I have managed to stay sane. I didn't even need to blink - I knew. Besides being grateful for technology, I know that what has sustained me, has being able to head into the forest.

On thinking about it further - I actually think that they are one and the same. The grace of God, by way of the forest, has been a tangible, audible, aroma-filled presence in the last 14 months.

I have watched the seasons change. Firstly, the spring blossoms peeping through to warmer weather, then bouncing out in celebration of the sun, the summer followed with hot days, lazy days, sitting next to the river days.....then I saw the leaves turn to gold, red and yellows, soon followed by the bare boughs draped in snow. 

And here we are. Full circle and watching the blossoms and the spring flowers shooting up to celebrate spring again.

(I was reminded of a (sort of) poem I wrote in February 2020 and posted my "other" blog on 3 March 2020. Just before Covid, how very timeous it was. It's called Towering Giants, in case you are bored and want to read my little effort!  :) )

Yes, the grace of God has seen me through this far.... and grace will lead me home.

Peace be the journey.

Cool Runnings.

"24/7 and 365, you made another day, made it alive"

I popped out for a short run this morning. I don't usually use headphones, but today I thought I would look for a playlist to keep me company. I chose the Spotify Mood Booster. (It was not a great weekend). As I was jogging along, I was reflecting on the past year. What was I feeling this time last year?

• Anxiety
• Fear of the unknown
• Concern for family & friends

BUT with all of those emotions, I also felt overcome with the sense that we, humanity, were connected and in this together. That we had this time to hold each other up, to show care, compassion and selflessness.

To realign priorities and to make changes.

While I was thinking this, a song on the playlist came on, by Sia, I'd never heard it before this morning:

"24/7 and 365

You made another day, made it alive

Made another day, made it alive

So today, baby, remember it's okay

We're all floating through space (floating through)

Today, baby, remember you're okay

We're all floating through space (floating through)

Floating through, floating through.."

And that's how I feel a year later: 24/7 365. Made it through another day alive. (As a friend pointed out to me this morning - that's better than the alternative! Yes, very true, and I'm so grateful).

But I don't feel that connection to the world anymore.

I feel disconnected.

Some days I even feel forgotten.

Each man for himself.

Keep your thoughts to yourself.

Don't say anything in case you offend.

Each man for himself.

In it alone.

Just floating through space.

Getting through another day, alive.

As soon as those words filtered through my brain, I remembered "The Pale Blue Dot" - and I know that while I may feel disconnected for the moment, I'm not forgotten.

I am a small piece of a significant whole, and the whole is not alone.

"Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every ‘superstar, ’every ‘supreme leader,’ every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there — on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam."  

- Carl Sagan -

I am grateful for a new day on this mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.... on this pale blue dot.

It's OK to not always be OK.

Warning: Vulnerability ahead.

Today, I had to stop midway through my run to accommodate an unexpected meltdown. 

I couldn't breathe. I was suddenly just so sad and so angry.  I remembered reading that I should find things of different textures / colours / shapes. Try to distract myself from my thoughts.

I got off the path, sat on a log and just cried.

Angry at having online conversations instead of in real life conversations, 

Angry with always being at home

Angry at having no family near me

Angry at not knowing when I will see my family

Angry at not knowing where this all ends

Angry at feeling so out of control

Angry at the forest, because I wanted the sea

Angry at myself for feeling angry.

And when the anger subsided, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. It all came out in a wave. Sometimes, it feels too much. 

I feel as though I am in a kids playpen:  nowhere to go, nothing new to see and no way to get out. 

Trapped.  Trapped and slowly starving.

I just wanted to go home, to where I could pop to the beach, drive a few hours to mountains, drive a few more to wildlife....so many places to see and yet never leave the country.  The world in one country.

Charlie Mackesy

Some days I just have to admit that I'm not doing OK. Like in my last post, (and admittedly that is just as relevant even though it was written months ago). Other days I feel like I am totally handling.

Life is not always a walk in the forest, it's not always hedgehog houses and Jerusalema dancing. It's important to acknowledge that days can be tough too.

Today, I am not handling.  And that is OK.  I will make some tea, a hot water bottle, and read my book.

Tomorrow is a new day to be OK.

Hope Deferred

I just need to write today. It probably won't make sense, but I need to just get it out.

Just been feeling flat. It's been a really tough few weeks. Usually it passes, but it's moved to a feeling of emotional drain & mental fatigue which has to do with a few things, obviously all based on the Covid season we find ourselves in.  Everyone is feeling some form of anxiety from it.

• I miss my family.  I know I live far away and should be used to not seeing them. Even if I was there, I wouldn't see them anyway right now.  I know that if I went past my parents house, and could only wave, it may be even worse, so close and yet so far....but if I was there,  somehow knowing we are, at least, in the same country I would feel better.  When people at home say they miss family, I totally get that, but I try not to dwell there because they can actually get to their family if they chose to, I can't make that choice. That is what is so hard, so I cannot keep rehashing the "friends and family" regulation conversation, because every time it reminds me that I don't even have a choice to drive to them and wave over the wall. At least I am used to talking to them using Tech, but I always thought that we could go home whenever we wanted to, but now it is actually physically impossible to get there. When will flights be normal again? Usually I have a date that we fly there, and I have this in mind, it is something to look forward to, but I don't have that now. When will I see them again?  I don't know.  

• I miss my country. In spite of the rubbish. I think also that when I try to speak to people there, and convey that we are going through similar things here, trying to find a commonality with them, to feel like we are going through things together, I often get told that I don't know whats going on, because I don't live there. It makes me feel like an outsider when all I want to do is feel like we are in it together, like I still belong there. We have not emigrated. I haven't stopped caring about home like a lot of Saffers do, they move because they are p'd off with SA; that is not us. We follow the news, we know what is happening, but I cannot even communicate that because when I try to feel part of it by sharing a common experience, or sharing what is happening here for us, no one cares, they only care about SA, because that is where they are. They live in one country, but I live in two. Somehow this makes me feel as though they don't care about us either.  There have been a lot of conversations where my thoughts are dismissed as uninformed, or even unnecessary.  I feel as though I am doing this on my own now, and alone. I don't want to engage in anymore conversations, because the wound is freshly reopened with every one, and with every one I feel further from home, when it's the only place I want to be.  Sometimes I find myself wondering if we shouldn't just stay here... who would've thought that it may be the attitude of my people that would make me consider this huge step.

• I feel so disheartened. A month or so ago, we were reporting only single digit cases, it was exciting to think that our lockdown, and being home all that time, had paid off and we may be able to get out again.  Then schools went back, youngsters began partying in big groups and now we are back to 100s of cases each day, and it appears that no restrictions are going to be put into place again. I feel as though I have spent all this time at home for nothing now... I have to start all over again, trying to keep safe so I can one day go home and see my family, while others feel its absolutely fine to go out and party, because they are young and selfish.

• I feel very isolated and a bit lonely now.  I am not taking public transport at the moment which means I am home. All the time. This last week I have gone to bed in tears, and woken up basically in tears, because I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. There is only so much you can run, or read. I just am sick of my days. Then I read about what is happening in South America and India, and loads of other poorer countries, and I give myself a slap, and feel so ashamed of my attitude, because what is boredom compared to what they are going through?  What is anything really, compared to what they are going through? I always "hate" when people say they are bored, but I have puzzled, and baked, and coloured in, and gardened and knitted... but none of these replace getting out of the house.  I just.. I just feel....  I don't know. Finished?

I don't want to feel sorry for myself because I know that I am not alone in this. Really I feel more sad than sorry. I am reminded of Prov 13:12:  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..."  and my heart feels sick.   

Yes, that's how I feel. My heart feels sick.

Poetry 1 - Breath

Words,

breath in mist,

fall to the ground

devoured by hungry mud.

Whispered prayer,

floating on breezes of dreams imagined,

laying hold of naked outstretched arms

clinging with every letter

to this rooted certainty.

LG – 9/1/2020
(Photo cred: MrsLG)

Posted originally on My Mini Stories.

The best, not the worst. The beautiful, not the ugly.

Yesterday I headed out for a run to "My Tree".  (I don't worship it, in case you are thinking that, but it is a type of altar that reminds me of what God spoke to me before).

I really felt like I lost my grip on peace this last week. I took a run to my tree and just stood there for a while, I suppose waiting for Him. He never behaves the way we hope or expect him to. It's annoying. :)

Honestly I didn't hear my Fathers voice at all.  I took a few photo's (as I do in the forest), and continued my run. I felt better. It's always really good for me to get out. So even though I never had any epiphany at my tree, I was satisfied by the run.

I got home and checked the photo's. I decided to play with some of the effects and this photo is the one of my tree.  I did not choose it to look like this. I just clicked "Colour Point", and the app did it on its own.    It was when I saw this picture, with my tree green, and the surrounding trees largely grey and black, that I was reminded of this piece of wisdom:

 "The Lord is near. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." 

(Phil.4:4-8)

*The Message version in Contemporary English, which I love as it's more relatable for today, can be read below.

I had allowed myself to be bogged down by news, by opinions, by statistics and information. It's wise to know what's going on, we cannot be ostriches - but when we focus solely on the negative, it becomes overwhelming. This text, together with this photo of the green tree in the bleak surroundings, reminds me that:

• You can choose where to place your focus
• The Lord is near
• He is with us in the bleak place
• We can tell Him our anxieties and fears. Pray about everything
• Replace the anxious thoughts with ones that are pure, true, right, admirable and lovely
• Focus on the Green, the Author, and peace will come.

He just gave me the recipe for finding peace! 

He always comes through - just not always when or where we expect it!

Because no one loves us like He does.

Cool Runnings.

Peace be the Journey.  

* Or from The Message:

"Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse."

Speak without hurting

About 25 years or so ago, a friend gave me a note that had the scripture in it, about allowing your speech to always be gracious and seasoned with salt - I asked her about it, and she told me that she had always appreciated my honesty, but that sometimes I could be a bit blunt and that not everyone understood that, and that I could hurt peoples feelings.

I remember feeling mortified by that, and at the same time so grateful to her for being brave enough to tell me something, that potentially could have sparked a very different reaction. I prided myself on being forthright, probably because it is what I appreciate most in my friends with me, and I thought others would appreciate it too, but I never wanted to intentionally hurt anyone or offend anyone.

I basically just breathed "God help me" at that moment.  I don't always get it right, but over the years I feel as though I do think about the other person before I speak - even though there are times I just know that a witty blunt comment would be so much more fun to make!

May 1 2020, was a cross-over day for me. I have never been confrontational on Social Media. I prefer face-to-face conflict where we can hear one anothers tone, and see the body language. Yesterday though I was confronted with posts that challenge my "new" self. I was torn, do I say what I think irrespective of whether it is confrontational, or not?  Do I let people continue to think I am this person who never ruffles feathers, or do I say what I think?

I decided, what the hell, let me say it, only to realise that actually my opinion is wrong, given without insight, and basically not needed or wanted.  At first, I was hurt, and then I was disappointed. I didn't expect that reaction. I even felt slightly betrayed by my own kind! :D  (I know, a bit dramatic, but hey-ho).   Why, if you post something controversial, can you not deal with controversy - or at least hear the reason for the other viewpoint?  Do you need to be in agreement with the person posting - is that the etiquette?

I feel like I just want to go back to my "old self", and post controversial posts just to get a reaction, so that I can react and be my old blunt self. Who gives a crap who I hurt.... But I cannot go back to being that person and I don't want to be like that, condescending and so cock-sure of everything, that it's their way or no way.

It seems that as far as controversial posts go, you cannot comment if you want to say something that doesn't verify the posters point of view.  Or that if one is known as a "controversial poster", then it's OK to make controversial comments because "that is who you are" and "how people know you".

But God help you if you are just an average person posting pictures of forests who suddenly says something confrontational - that will just not do!

SO this is my pity-party for today. I really want to post the come-backs and replies I had in mind. I was itching to. But I can't. Or I won't. Because speech, grace, salt... and all of that.

*I needed to vent, so this is just my private vent. I am not sharing it anywhere, so it is not a veiled "I'm frustrated at you" post.  :)

#Lockdown2020