Reverse Culture Shock & Difficult Questions

The days are moving on and soon we will be home home. There seems to be a common thought coming through from friends there and here - Prepare for "Reverse" Culture Shock.

At first I shrugged it off, thinking I know SA, it's home and so how could we possibly be in for culture shock?

The more I've thought about it, I've wondered if it may be connected somehow to this:

When we moved here, I wrote about where I would love to live (in a city, near shops & maybe a gym, close to all the action). I didn't get what I wanted, but I got what I needed (space and nature) - and that was better. I've learned how to not be busy, how to enjoy the quiet and my own company.

I've had random conversations with friends about going back to our house and town. I've voiced concerns because as much as I love our house, I'm "afraid" of going back to our town.  We've seriously considered selling our house and moving somewhere else, perhaps just within a 50km radius, but I keep coming back to the fact that we have friends there with whom we share so much history, and these are the friendships we've missed. 

Having said that, we are not the same people we were 10 years ago - and neither are they. We won't be just walking back into our "old" friendships in the way they looked before, or into our "old" life as though this last decade never was.  I won't let that happen, we've experienced too much for it not to matter.

Before we left on this adventure, we were happy, we both worked and had a full and busy life, but I don't ever want to be that busy again. I feel as though God forcibly removed us just to give us air to breathe and space to live. So, this decade has been a time of real personal reflection and growth. 

Now, we have to ask ourselves what do we want this next chapter to look like, and how do we want to live it...

However it evolves, we are overwhelmingly thankful we get to live it in our amazing country.

Read Between The Lines

Sometimes there is a whole lot to read between the lines.

I made the mistake of saying I missed loadshedding at home. FOMO.  I guess I should've been more specific, but I thought it would be obvious that I wouldn't miss the ACTUAL event!  

Something about us as a nation, (which you know happens when you are there, and you feel it), is that in a crisis we stick together - because we know we are in it together.

That is what I mean - I miss being "in things" with my people. 

I know loadshedding, it's been around for like 15+ years, no-one wants it! But when it happens, everyone bitches and grumbles, but we face it together. 

We go to friends who may have a gas cooker, or invite others to us, we remind one another to charge all devices, we buy solar lights for friends and family when we see them for sale, we share jokes and photos about what we are doing during loadshedding. We all loathe it, but we are in it together.

I'm here. In a vacuum where everything works and there is little, if any, collective glue that bonds you.

Ja, I can hear you saying "Stop whining and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're in a safe country, with electricity." 

That's fine, you can say that because unless you have been where I am now, I don't expect you to understand, and that's OK.  

* * * * 

What are we teaching the kids?

  It's hard to believe it's the same sport I fell in love with all those years ago.

 

 I can't help feeling that if everyone just played by the rules we wouldn't need so many officials. Me, living in cloud cuckoo land. 

 

I have been listening to all the frantic noise from both camps this week. It's not been fun. But less fun was contemplating what messages we are sending the kids coming up in any sport. What behaviour are they seeing?  Not only from the players, coaches and the officials, but also the behaviour of spectators, family and friends? 

• Do they think they should win at all costs? 
• Do they learn to bend the rules? 
• Do they learn that its ok to break a rule if no-one sees you? 
• Do they think there is no pride in losing? 
• Do they learn that doing your best, is not good enough?
• Do they learn graciousness and humility?

What values do we want our youngsters to hold onto in sport, and in life? Do we model them in what we say and how we act?  Because watching this tour so far, I am disappointed in both camps for different reasons, and I can't really see many values that I would want to teach my child in it. Not compared to the game 40 years ago. Yes, sport evolves, but obeying rules, etiquette, common decency, they don't evolve. 

I can't help wondering  how the Lions & Bok players are affected by the war of words & media ugliness. They are the players but there is all this "noise" going on around them. Like an irritating mosquito. 

This was my FB post before the game, I was so excited to celebrate and now I'm not even sure I want to watch the rest of this tour. It's been so tampered with by coaches, refs and media, that I will be suspicious of any outcome, even if it's positive for us.  

It's not a game anymore. It's a circus. I have never liked a circus. I don't think they're fun. So I just don't go.

I wish both teams would have a secret meeting and say "Screw everything, let's just ditch alllll the officials, meet at some unknown stadium or better still, a beach, and let's go and play rugby, and have fun doing it!"

I could add more.... but these will do for this post.

Do It For Love

 *Disclaimer: This is true for me. It may not be for you.

Whenever I make up a "fitness plan", I fail miserably. For example:

Mon: long run. Tuesday: Walk & HIIT, Wednesday: Short run & walk Thursday: Long Hike, Friday: HIIT & walk. Saturday: Rest. Sunday: Long Hike.

When I try to keep it, I fail miserably. Every time I fail, I disappoint myself, thinking "This is to make me healthier, and I cant even do that!"

But, when I have no plan, and I just go, because I love it.... then it works!

As I was running this morning, I thought, I must make a fitness plan, and I heard that familiar voice saying "Don't! Just do it!" (It wasn't Nike ) I began to think that there is a real spiritual parallel. To be fit, I thought I needed rules to "be the best I could be." But actually those rules just brought out the "why should I?" in me.

Spiritually, the "you should, you must and you ought to ..... to be a good Christian", brought out a similar feeling in me. So, I questioned.

I have found God in the most unexpected places, in the most unexpected people and most unexpected situations because I dared to go off-script. I have been called rebellious more times in my life than I care to remember but it gives me a bit of joy actually. Jesus was not a conventional man, he swam upstream and asked probing questions. Questions are good.

In short, I have found that for me, I do my best when I pursue something (or Someone) out of love, rather than out of a sense of required duty. #Grace #Love #Mercy

Seasons, Forest, Sanity and (kind of) Poetry! :)

A few days ago I was chatting with some friends on WA. We are all in different countries from one another and we happened to just pick up on restrictions and things opening up. I had said that I am so looking forward to seeing all my friends again, since I have only seen one friend, perhaps twice a month, since March last year. (I made a conscious decision from the start to avoid any contact with schools, and she has no children.) Thank God she is as much of a hiking fanatic as I am!

One of my friends asked me how I have managed to stay sane. I didn't even need to blink - I knew. Besides being grateful for technology, I know that what has sustained me, has being able to head into the forest.

On thinking about it further - I actually think that they are one and the same. The grace of God, by way of the forest, has been a tangible, audible, aroma-filled presence in the last 14 months.

I have watched the seasons change. Firstly, the spring blossoms peeping through to warmer weather, then bouncing out in celebration of the sun, the summer followed with hot days, lazy days, sitting next to the river days.....then I saw the leaves turn to gold, red and yellows, soon followed by the bare boughs draped in snow. 

And here we are. Full circle and watching the blossoms and the spring flowers shooting up to celebrate spring again.

(I was reminded of a (sort of) poem I wrote in February 2020 and posted my "other" blog on 3 March 2020. Just before Covid, how very timeous it was. It's called Towering Giants, in case you are bored and want to read my little effort!  :) )

Yes, the grace of God has seen me through this far.... and grace will lead me home.

Peace be the journey.

Cool Runnings.

"24/7 and 365, you made another day, made it alive"

I popped out for a short run this morning. I don't usually use headphones, but today I thought I would look for a playlist to keep me company. I chose the Spotify Mood Booster. (It was not a great weekend). As I was jogging along, I was reflecting on the past year. What was I feeling this time last year?

• Anxiety
• Fear of the unknown
• Concern for family & friends

BUT with all of those emotions, I also felt overcome with the sense that we, humanity, were connected and in this together. That we had this time to hold each other up, to show care, compassion and selflessness.

To realign priorities and to make changes.

While I was thinking this, a song on the playlist came on, by Sia, I'd never heard it before this morning:

"24/7 and 365

You made another day, made it alive

Made another day, made it alive

So today, baby, remember it's okay

We're all floating through space (floating through)

Today, baby, remember you're okay

We're all floating through space (floating through)

Floating through, floating through.."

And that's how I feel a year later: 24/7 365. Made it through another day alive. (As a friend pointed out to me this morning - that's better than the alternative! Yes, very true, and I'm so grateful).

But I don't feel that connection to the world anymore.

I feel disconnected.

Some days I even feel forgotten.

Each man for himself.

Keep your thoughts to yourself.

Don't say anything in case you offend.

Each man for himself.

In it alone.

Just floating through space.

Getting through another day, alive.

As soon as those words filtered through my brain, I remembered "The Pale Blue Dot" - and I know that while I may feel disconnected for the moment, I'm not forgotten.

I am a small piece of a significant whole, and the whole is not alone.

"Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every ‘superstar, ’every ‘supreme leader,’ every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there — on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam."  

- Carl Sagan -

I am grateful for a new day on this mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.... on this pale blue dot.

It's OK to not always be OK.

Warning: Vulnerability ahead.

Today, I had to stop midway through my run to accommodate an unexpected meltdown. 

I couldn't breathe. I was suddenly just so sad and so angry.  I remembered reading that I should find things of different textures / colours / shapes. Try to distract myself from my thoughts.

I got off the path, sat on a log and just cried.

Angry at having online conversations instead of in real life conversations, 

Angry with always being at home

Angry at having no family near me

Angry at not knowing when I will see my family

Angry at not knowing where this all ends

Angry at feeling so out of control

Angry at the forest, because I wanted the sea

Angry at myself for feeling angry.

And when the anger subsided, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. It all came out in a wave. Sometimes, it feels too much. 

I feel as though I am in a kids playpen:  nowhere to go, nothing new to see and no way to get out. 

Trapped.  Trapped and slowly starving.

I just wanted to go home, to where I could pop to the beach, drive a few hours to mountains, drive a few more to wildlife....so many places to see and yet never leave the country.  The world in one country.

Charlie Mackesy

Some days I just have to admit that I'm not doing OK. Like in my last post, (and admittedly that is just as relevant even though it was written months ago). Other days I feel like I am totally handling.

Life is not always a walk in the forest, it's not always hedgehog houses and Jerusalema dancing. It's important to acknowledge that days can be tough too.

Today, I am not handling.  And that is OK.  I will make some tea, a hot water bottle, and read my book.

Tomorrow is a new day to be OK.